Yes you are. You. Are. Loved.
That’s the critical piece we think our son believed was missing for him. If someone could feel so black, so isolated amid parents, family, friends, professors, and mentors who loved him and either be unaware or believe it was not enough, that’s a message we want to get there out right now.
YOU ARE LOVED. YOU MATTER.
The first thing we wanted for our son’s celebration of life was to show him how much everyone did love him, and that he did impact our lives. The doors were wide open to anyone who even remotely was connected to our son or felt a flicker of compassion to show up, to be there. His community did not disappoint.
Over 600 attended the service. I’m certain he felt it from above and as parents, it warmed our hearts to see so many care in unison. I’m misty-eyed just typing those words.
Love became the theme of his celebration of life. Whether you are religious or not, you cannot deny the powerful words spoken at most weddings, 1 Corinthians 13. Here we were at a memorial, the only scripture read at the service, but one that professed warmth in a time of sorrow. If you recall, the famous last words of the passage are: the greatest of these is LOVE.
While it might seem backward to show someone how much they’re loved after the fact, we felt it was a grand and necessary gesture. Had we known he was suffering, we would have made it more obvious somehow. Believe me, over and over we wish we had even an inkling and could hug him to pieces, smother him like a blanket so he’d keep going.
The purple heart became a symbol to us. Purple because that is his favorite color and the heart because we love him and he will be forever in our hearts. Our logo for purple introspections was designed by our oldest son as inspired by my way of signing off on a handwritten card or note.
Guests of the celebration of life were treated to a tiny bag of our son’s favorite candy, Reese’s peanut butter cups. The bag was tied up with a purple ribbon and purple heart tag with a message from our son, one he would emphatically call from the heavens above:
YOU ARE LOVED. -A
What a wonderful tribute to your son and a true gift for the rest of us. Love is everything!
Thank you Rebecca. And thank you for reading and ongoing support.💜
What a beautiful legacy for Alexander and a wonderful way to help your family heal as you help others. Sending you all love. 💜
Thank you Cathy. It’s a labor of love, lots of it.💜
💜💜💜
Aww. You so get it!💜
I have my 💜 ticked in my pocket every day. Reese’s are long gone. The service was just lovely. You did Alex proud💜 The Reggae band was cool too✌️
Thanks Monica! I love that you still have the purple heart. Means the world to us.💜
Thank you for creating this forum, Francie, Tony and TJ – so we can support parents and kids!! 💜
Yes! It’s for everyone!💜
Beautiful words Francie💜
Aww thank you Pam!💜
Thank you Francie for sharing your love. It’s so important for everyone to know they are not only loved but also lovable, especially those who are struggling.
Whoa. That is a very important add. Thank you for sharing.💜
Privileged to have walked this journey with you, celebrate Alex, as I still have so many memories of him, especially as he was just a little guy. Some of these memories I shared with TJ, his older brother, of the adventures we had when we were waiting for Alex to come home from the hospital. That was also my first introduction to the caring community of Lafayette.
You have increased my awareness of the hidden needs of young adults, most importantly as I encounter them in the college classrooms and clinical sites. Things are not always as they seem….opened my eyes a little wider.
My same modus operandi remains my caution to others in teaching/mentoring roles. Know how to encourage these young adults and how to correct them without crushing them.
So many eye-openers. We’re happy to make an impact wherever we can.💜
💜
Right back at ‘ya.💜
Francie, I love that you and Tony are sharing your pain, knowledge, experience, introspections and learnings, in the hope of saving “one or a zillion” as you put it. Even one would be a wonderful thing but my guess is it will be so many more. I also appreciate the comment above about kids feeling loved and lovable. I’m already learning and growing;) Thank you, friend.💜
Yes, we can learn from each other. We’re learning new things every day as we talk to others about our situation. I love that so many are engaging. Thank you!💜
This is such a beautiful, powerful way to honor Alexander and offer support to those who are struggling. I’m so in awe of the Low family as we all are. We would all give anything to bring him back but he is shining his light on you all💜💜 and will forever
Thank you Barbara. He is shining down on us and that gives us peace.💜
What a beautiful tribute. I am in awe of your strength, and so applaud your openness. Much love to you all.
Thank you Corrine. Your support keeps us strong.💜💜💜
My own son is about the same age as Alexander and TJ. This helps me to frame your experience, and to imagine and experience it with you. Imagination has its limits, however, and often a tenuous connection to reality. Truly, I can’t imagine. Do know that your loss is our loss, and we experience your loss with you. Kudos and gratitude for expressing your experience so we can grieve with you and as you do..
We do well to understand what we can, to avoid or prevent recurrence. I expect we also do well to understand what we can, to address occurrence. We parent our children and yet we must parent ourselves, as parents. I expect both are best grounded in unconditional love, for the child, and for ourselves.
Still, the latter can seem lonely, especially now. Understanding is fleeting. Language offers little help. In English, and orphan is someone who has lost a parent; no word exists for a parent who has lost a child. Orphanhood, as a word, encapsulates the experience. It conveys understanding of it, and even of how the orphan, and even society, can respond. Here, we have no such framework. Even our language has abandoned us.
So, here we are, seemingly alone. Maybe we need another word. Maybe another language has one. Maybe, though, orphanhood translates and can help us understand.
Maybe also, we aren’t alone. Hilary Clinton said, it takes a village. Certainly, we do well if we all parent all of our children. Perhaps we also do well if we all parent ourselves as surviving parents because, even now, we remain parents.
I try, with greater or lesser success, to be deliberate and consistent. As a parent, my intent is to leave my son with a fundamental sense of validity, self worth, and unconditional love because doubt, however inadvertent, underlies much suffering. So, ever since he was little, each time we meet, I express joy and love, and often with hugs or kisses. Each time we part, including at bedtime, we hug and I tell him that I love him. I just normalized it and practiced it consistently.
Practically, I would recall what I understand to be a Chinese proverb: The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The next best time is now. The best time to begin expressing love is from the beginning. The next best time is now.
Keep doing what you are doing! I remember Hilary saying, “it takes a village” and that’s still as relevant today if not more so….We hope by talking and sharing we will create a safe place to share ideas and to save a life. Community and conversation are sooo important.