Our number one mission for creating this website is to prevent the tragedy we experienced, from happening to someone else. The number one question we asked ourselves was why? As would anyone in our case. We had thoughts consuming our minds, but were swirling in confusion about the myriad of reasons..followed by all the shoulda’, woulda, couldas..if we only knew he was hurting like this…..we would have….
But, we didn’t know he was hurting, and therein lies the problem. Sure, he was agitated and short with us sometimes, because we were his parents. My mom used to say, “Home is where you get treated the best and can act the worst.” I just figured he’d come around at age 26 when the brain is fully developed per some scientific study I read or heard, along with a stat that young males are more likely to commit suicide than females, especially among late teens and early twenties. I made a note to be “aware” if anything seemed off so I could get either of my sons back on course. I didn’t know what to look for, but I was prepared to watch for it, even if I only saw them in person a few times a year. I expected something obvious, like a lightning bolt, but that isn’t how it works, at least in our case.
Graphic Credit: TJ
Flash forward. We missed the signs, but we didn’t know we missed the signs until I stumbled upon a podcast, the NYT The Daily, “The Sunday Read: The Unthinkable Mental Health Crisis That Shook a New England College.” At Worcester Polytechnic Institute in Massachusetts, seven students committed suicide in just eight months starting in July 2021. The college conducted its research, surveying students and teachers to find answers to prevent further suicides. Just like us, the quest to save others became a mission, to discover the “why” of another.
In short, there is no perfect answer. But, there are a lot of behaviors to indicate a person is in deep trouble. The findings are on the school website for anyone to see, click here. I like the language and categorization, general behaviors to heightened risk, and how to talk to someone in trouble even if it’s geared toward college students.
A lot of the same information is on other sites, most notably, 988lifeline.org. The billboards and radio spots are out there, and if you haven’t noticed, you will now. The first intention of the site is to get help for anyone in immediate crisis mode and explains why I didn’t see the “signs” list on my first visit. It’s a great webpage with a wealth of information. A search in your browser for 988 will include the wording to use if you need to call or text and don’t know what to say in the metadata, no additional clicks necessary.
Insomnia.
Extreme anxiousness or agitation
Isolating away from friends and family.
Those were the red flags from a long list of possible indicators we didn’t see in our situation. We couldn’t know about his friends, but we learned later that was the case. His agitation and erratic behavior seemed easily explainable because of his age and insomnia could be attributed to his ongoing fussiness about soft sheets, firm mattresses, and street noises, or so we thought. Then suddenly it stopped and we figured he’s finally grown out of his angst. That’s the worst sign because it means he’s made a decision.
After reading and re-reading both sites, I connected a few dots not found on both to help us further solve our son’s puzzle. Each mentions several life circumstances that can trigger or lead to behavioral change. In particular, our son was like a college freshman, isolated in his new town of employment, with no friends or family. He was also under a lot of work stress and was ever a perfectionist, but as a student, it can be framed as academic load and/or grades.
The bottom line: we didn’t know what was right in front of us so now we’re determined to
SAY IT OUT LOUD!
TALK ABOUT IT!
I admire WPI for admitting a problem exists and acting on it. The problem is not unique to this school, it’s happening at others too, but reputation reigns supreme, probably for commercial reasons. But sweeping it all under the rug won’t make it go away.
We can’t shrug it off either.
Please, visit these sites and familiarize yourself with risk indicators. Know where you can get help. Read it even if you don’t perceive a problem or think that stuff is only for really “crazy” people. We had a kid who seemed to have it together, but he didn’t. Don’t be that parent.
We wish we knew what we know now. The next best thing is to let others know and not repeat history.
One last request:
SHARE THIS POST!
P.S. The above is our experience and our take on our situation. Hopefully sharing our story will help others as we are not professionals.
We are always left with profound guilt mixed in with the grief, that we should have seen, done something. But how do you alter your view to interpret these signs through the lens of the unthinkable?
Exactly. It just doesn’t seem possible. As much as we can share our learning, we’re going to carry on. Thanks for chiming in and your ongoing support.💜
Thank you for sharing. Very important information.
Sending you bug hugs and love, Maarit
We must and we appreciate you reading and commenting so we know it’s reaching people. Love to you!💜
Thank you, Francie. This is so helpful and valuable information you are sharing! Thank you for your honesty and openness to help avoid further tragedies. Sending much love to you and Tony!
We are on a mission and grateful for the reception of our messages. Thank you for reading and letting us know you’re out there.
Francie, Thank you for this informative post. Love you guys and think of you often.
We appreciate you following us and giving your love and support. Thank you.💜
The courage you have to share your story …. I am so grateful you are sharing your path for others. Thank you Francie and Tony
Aww, Maureen, we must. Thank you for receiving our message with such graciousness. Love to you.💜
your courage to continue to learn and share your vulnerability is inspiring to me my friend…keep it up…I am encouraged to face the beast in our family challenge…thank you
Whoosh. I’m glad we can offer something. I know it’s hard and feels weird, but dang, had we to do it all over again. Sending you our love and positive vibes to you.💜
Francie, I could really feel how difficult this post must have been to write. I admire you and Tony so much for what you are doing to help others, and hopefully in a way that will help to avoid this kind of pain and tragedy before it happens. I honestly don’t know how you do it, but am so thankful that you are. Thinking of you always…
Thank you for your courage, honesty, and candor. Even professionals “miss it” at times. From a family perspective at a distance, all seemed on the road to his first job after college, a new town, new adventures, a bright future.
But it would reflect a need for community, for all of us.
I’ve learned more from the day of his Eulogy to each and every blog. It sharpens my awareness toward the students I’m in contact with, everyday.
My heart is to be more in tune, talk to others in the same teaching/mentoring roles.
Come along side those in loss, no pressure or expectations that they share,but be there if they do….we all walk with you.
Francie, just had my 21 yo college senior read this, too! Love you guys and thank you for this mission from your tragedy! Alex is continuing to help us all understand this complicated thing called life. Love how he reaches out to you through song, amongst others things. I think back on your Uhaul moving blog on your cross country adventure to Nashville w/ Alex. Riveted to every post, keep them coming!!!!
Oh wow Betsy. I’m a bit misty-eyed as I am so happy this reached you and you are sharing with your son. This means so much to us as we want to reach parents, but also the kids/young adults. Thank you for all of your love and support.
We all continue to admire your courage
and honesty as you navigate such unbearable grief. You are all in my heart everyday
This post will help many I’m certain!
Thank you Barbara! You are ever the loving and dedicated supporter.💜
Thank you Francie. You are saving lives with your work. Say his Name Alexander Low. Pain to Purpose. Love you all and thinking of you always…. Will share this widely.
Thank you so much Pam. It’s going to take a very large village to make this a mainstream education and awareness campaign. Appreciate your love and support.💜
Thank you for sharing your journey Francie and Tony. You hit the #1 sign right off the bat. Its so important I’ll repeat it…sleep, sleep, sleep. Sometimes I wonder why this is not stressed and shared enough. The cynical side of me says that because there is no $ to be made its not promoted. But the other side reminds me that we live in a culture that values not sleeping but doing. Look at what medical students are put through when they intern…
I look forward to your next posting. Be well.
We always learn something from you Graham. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and supporting us.
Thank you for these signs, the things that we may not have control over or caused as parents , but are critical. You and Tony loved Alexander so very, very deeply. Can’t thank you enough. Think of you so often.
Thank you for reading and thinking of us. We so appreciate your love and support.💜
Oh Francie you and Tony are such an inspiration! Your courage and willingness to share your story will no doubt help others. 🩷
We are doing everything we can to prevent this from happening to someone else. All we can say is “we wish we knew”…so now we’re shouting as loud and far as we can to let others know. Thanks for reading. You’re saving a life too.💜
Such powerful information. Thank you for sharing! Always thinking of of you and your family 💜
Thank you for reading and supporting us. We’ll work together to save lives.💜
THANK YOU Francie! 💜
Thank you Veronique for reading and supporting our family. Let’s hope we can take this beyond the blog for greater good.💜💜💜
Thank you for your honesty and your passion to educate others, Francie! Telling your story is the best way. Love to you, Tony and TJ!
Thank you Teresa. It’s the best way we know to get the word out and we appreciate our supportive audience.💜
Francie: Thank you for sharing your painful journey and this incredibly insightful and beautifully written message. By doing so, you are making our world better. Sending love and gratitude to you and your family.
We are learning so much and hope we can reach as many as possible to stop this crazy train of tragedy. Thanks for reading and supporting us.
Tony, Francie and TJ thank you for being guiding lights to us, your community. Sending heartfelt appreciation and love. We appreciate your honest, raw post.
You are part of our success in getting the word out or just being aware. Thank you for your love and support.💜