It’s there. You can feel it. It’s there all the time. It’s unrelenting, ever-present. Most of the time it sits on you like an uneasy, invisible elephant. We try to pretend it’s not there and “get on with it.”
Acknowledge.
Move on.
Life’s unrelenting pressures come at us on all fronts: school, work, sports and even social situations. When we’re overwhelmed, we seek solace in any suitable form. Some choose peaceful means like meditation, a walk or a cookie break. We can try, but there is no fully escaping it.
But what do you do if the greatest pressure comes from yourself? No amount of walking or meditating will provide relief. Anxieties feed fears, tensions rise, driving you to an unbearable brink, until enduring it is no longer an option, and you will do anything in your power to release yourself from that pressure. Even if it means leaving all that you love and all who love you behind. It’s an unthinkable reality.
One of the early songs given to me by my son after his passing was “Under Pressure” by Queen. It came to me repeatedly (and still does). It was a high school and college favorite but is now my anthem for him. It hauntingly captures the extent of his mental suffering through lyric:
Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
[..]
Insanity laughs under pressure, we’re breaking
To this day, we struggle to understand the magnitude of the pressure our children are under. Sure, as we were raised, we put pressure on ourselves to do well on tests, impress the parents and succeed in life. But in our generation, we played, we had frequent gatherings, parties and dances. We had social structure, met frequently face-to-face with friends, and most importantly, we had reachable goals for ourselves.
We knew our place in the world and that, in its own way, is relief.
Children born into this generation, for the most part, do not have any of that.
When our son was still with us, Francie and I were woefully ignorant to the intensity of the pressure bearing down on him, and that regret will remain with us until eternity. He appeared happy and calm. The demons were cloaked in glorious smiles, twinkling eyes, snarky comments and light laughter. And occasionally a concern would ever so covertly slip out in conversation: just a light casual remark. Not knowing those were clues, we simply acknowledged and moved on to the next topic. We wish we could turn back the hands of time and double click on those moments. Those were his gentle cries for help, and we missed them.
My son was one of the most kind-hearted souls I’ve ever known. He was also one of the most direct, so his message to you is easy for me to share. It’s literally written in the song.
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
He dares us to care and love for one another differently. He challenges you to reset in your mind’s eye, what you think your child’s reality is. The challenge ultimately is to reset our antiquated mechanics of reality in deference to the digital society we now live in, where heightened hypersensitivity abounds, driven by the unchecked anxiety in which they are immersed, day in and day out.
He cautions us to carefully choose our words and our tones for delivery, as how you say something, may be as important, if not more, than what you say. I have often been accused of shooting daggers when I thought I was stating fact. It has only been recently since I have become sensitized to this, only to realize to my horror that my sons endured decades of this from me. I care, therefore I will change.
Reset your understanding of adolescence, put yourself in modern-day kid shoes and try to visualize this world they live in. And only then will you feel the pressure they are under.
Our generations have drifted apart, and we need to pull our worlds back together with a new way to care for (understand) each other using a single word: Love
‘Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under Pressure
Well said Tony. So many of life’s lessons we have to learn the hard way and this is definitely a big one. Hopefully your words here will alert and be of encouragement to other parents. This is so inspiring, what you and Francie are doing. Thank you
We definitely don’t want others to learn these lessons the way we have. If there is only one person we can touch to see what we now see, we have done our job. Thank you so much for connecting and sharing Linda!💜
Wow, I don’t know what to say other than my heart is with you, Francie and TJ.❤️ Thank you for your sharing and deep reflections. May we all be deeply present with our loved ones and show love and compassion however and whenever we can. 🙏
Behavioral change is never easy, recognizing the need for change is the start. Thanks for for joining us here, connecting and sharing Carson! That’s what all this is about. 🙏
You two are doing amazing work in your grief. Sharing will help others. I still hold your eulogy close to my heart. I believe Alex is so proud of you both and I hope he gives more signs to you both.
Just, wow.
💜 Thank you for reading Eric.
I take away something with each of your writings as well as Francie’s. Thank you for sharing your experiences so we may all learn from them. 💜
Very inspiring, as always. And it’s so true — this should be required reading for all parents.
Found your web site…powerful writing, alot of self revelation we all need to see and hear…starting by looking in the mirror.
Still as you take us with you on this journey, I appreciate your honesty, there is no easy way to walk thru loss, but at the side of loved ones and friends, you don’t walk alone.
Thank you for seeking us out “Aunt Pam”, you words are very true.💜
Again, you are both so brave and big hearted by talking and writing about this life changing experience. Thank you.
Thankful for you joining us and following us here, Judith. It is meaningful.💜
Thank you, Tony and Francie, for your meaningful words..🙏
Thank you for making the effort to connect with us here, especially with Facebook banning us. This means alot to us.💜
I could see myself as similar to Tony. I need to share this with my sons. 💜
Thank you for reading and connecting with us Staci. I hope that this encourages some meaningful discussions with your boys, much love to you all. 🙏💜
Thank you, Tony. I think a lot about those calming, grounding rituals that are unique to each one of us, the ones that relax and connect us, too. Your important column makes me mindful of encouraging those in every kid in my life. Something simple and accessible. Our neighbor comes to mind. During the week, he deals with his share of stress at work; come Sunday morning, he is baking his way through a bread book and brings these creations to neighbors to share. You come to mind, in the way you would cook amazing things with your boys in your new kitchen. We all need those levers to pull when we need them. P.S. Going for a bike ride today and am thinking of you two.
Aw shucks. You made my morning Linda. Thank you for posting your heartfelt comments and joining us here. 💜💜
Thank you for your honest and courageous insights, Tony. Your words bring hope and healing!
Thank you Teresa. You know, humans are not perfect and I will gladly show my weaknesses and mistakes if others can benefit and avoid our path. Thank you so much for your friendship.🙏
Tony – A hard read, but great words that we can all learn from. Hope this is helping you as much as it can help others. As Maya Angelo said, people won’t remember what you said, but they will not forget how you made them feel. You are talking about the heart of true communications something people need!
Thank you for joining and following us Bruce and your words are so true. I love that quote reference. Yes, the topics are not light by any means, and our goal is not to garner pity for ourselves, or draw support for ourselves, that is sort of a by-product of us being driven to share our story for the purpose of enlightenment of others, to see that which we did not see, or to benefit from weeks of our own introspection and rumination over our situation. Certainly we support the love and caring from you all, and for that we are grateful! We want to create a safe community of sharing and meaningful discussion over topics that are truly important, but which society sees as taboo🙏💜
I know I am fortunate, and grateful that my daughter was not successful in taking her life. The pain, and the eventual relief in understanding how close she was. Today, though we are miles apart, I’m thankful that we can still connect through a call or text. I’m also immensely thankful for the help she was able to receive.
It is unfortunate that too many in society want to ignore the epidemic of suicide. Thankfully there are organizations that continually attempt to bring it into the light.
My Love to you and Francie. I look forward to meeting both of you someday.
Thank you for sharing George and I am thankful you were fortunate enough to successfully navigate such a situation, it certainly takes its toll on a family and puts your life in a different path. What underlies all that is that you are great parents with huge hearts. We really appreciate you sharing in this community to give voice to something that is seen as taboo in social circles. Blessings to you and your family and yes, we will meet! (hopefully over 2 wheels) 😉