I bet she doesn’t have a care in the world with a high-paying job. I wish I didn’t worry.
He’s so happy with so many friends, wow. I want to be him. I wish I had friends.
So many people are smarter than me. I’ll never be successful.
I won’t stick around the party; nobody wants to talk to me anyway.
Those statements might swirl in the heads of any of us at times, more so if you are younger. But to a person truly suffering, it’s not just missing an event or thinking you are always less than. Constant perceived failures can be exhausting. Thoughts can spiral into: What’s the point? I’m a burden.
Burden. That was a flip in my thinking that I didn’t expect. In the early days of trying to sort out the whys, the idea that our son thought he was a burden never crossed my mind. While talking to our minister about arrangements for the Celebration of Life, he shared a story about a minister friend who ended his life. He was the father to young kids and married to a lovely wife. Even with everything going for him, he got it into his head, that his family would be better off without him.
It’s exactly the opposite.
The burden is far heavier and longer lasting for those left behind than any amount of perceived burden on earth. But that’s not where the person in crisis is in their head. Their mind is spinning for reasons they don’t fit into this life. Burden is a beast and it takes a beast to shoulder it.
Beast of Burden, pint size. A heavy load is especially hard for the young.
Our son was sensitive to others’ needs. We couldn’t help but wonder if he had thought about the heartache he’d lay on his family and friends that he might have thought twice. Or the emotional difficulty of sorting through personal effects like a dress shirt your mom bought you because it was cool or paintings you picked up on family trips to New York, Greece, and Tuscany. Selling a car registered in another state or sorting through financial statements is reliving the loss over and over again.
I’d like to believe if he could have thought about the after, he’d have changed his mind. I read somewhere this is a line of questioning if counseling a person in crisis. He didn’t have that opportunity, unfortunately. He was hurting and thought we were too. He even told his dad he would take care of him. Such pressure!
I wrote this post because a friend told me they were touched by yet another self-inflicted loss, an older man with grandkids. My immediate response was to say “He thought he was a burden, but it’s the opposite.”
I ache for the stuff I thought was bothersome. Man oh man, what I wouldn’t give to see my son eat bamboo steamer after bamboo steamer of har gow, shrimp dumplings, at our favorite Dim Sum place. I’d love to see a refrigerator devoid of leftovers. I’d smile at all the open kitchen cabinets, his trademark after making a hearty snack.
Burdens however perceived, are meant to be shared. Be the beast to someone’s burden.
*We are sharing our thoughts based on lived experiences. We are not professionals.
Great article! This says many things people of all ages reflect upon at some point.
I struggled over this post. Writing and rewriting. Finally I just put it out there remembering whatever I write will resonate with someone. Thank you for reading and responding.💜
Attempting to understand the pain one must be in to make the choice to leave us forever is so difficult. I find it difficult to fully understand. Learning to recognize the signs should be a required course in school, not something to be avoided.
https://qprinstitute.com/
George, our angel! You are giving us more ways to understand. Thank you! We are forever learning something new. Thank you for extending our educational journey.💜
I’m left speechless by this Francie. I’ve never thought about this from this perspective. This one had me in tears. Thinking of you always…
Such empathy. My heart breaks every time I think about you all living without Alexander. Much love and peace to you all! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Carson. It means so much to know we are reaching people. Your support keeps us going.💜
Thank you for your kind words. It really turned my thinking upside down.💜
Thank you for your important reflections, Francie. Just wishing I could hug you in person! xo
Thank your Andra. Your response is a virtual hug and we are so appreciative.💜
Wow—what a powerful reminder to make sure our family and friends never think their struggles, imperfections or circumstances are ever a burden on us. Thank you Francie for sharing 💜
Thank you for reading. The more people we can reach, the less in the dark society will become about all of this. Love to you.💜
So heartfelt and thought-provoking, as always, Francie. This is such a great reminder to reach out to the people we love, to not assume that they are “okay.” I hope my love from afar helps ease your burden, just a bit, today.
We feel you Teresa and it means a lot. It’s the best thing to being just down the street from you.💜
Such honest, courageous, heartbreaking and powerful words. Charlie and I cried through much of it. Your tremendous loss is always close to our hearts.
Oh wow Barbara. Hugs to both you and Charlie. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.💜
Thank you for sharing, Francie and Tony. This is a heartbreaking learning but one that I really think could save someone’s life.💜
Thank you Elena.Your ongoing support means so much.💜💜💜
Francie this post is beautiful and heartbreaking. I admire you and Tony helping other people learn from your horrific loss of Alexander. You’re both brave and inspiring.
Thank you Joanie. It’s therapuetic to post and we are grateful for the support and encouragment. 💜💜💜