The past few weeks have been rough for me for a lot of reasons. Work demands, travel stress, physical issues all hit me at once but the heaviest challenge is grappling with reliving the realizations of our time at this moment a year ago. Alexander has been very present with us these past few weeks. Francie and I conferred that this was a very active time with our child last year as he had so much going on: working through his own struggles, uprooting his life to be with us in North Carolina, having a birthday with not a lot to celebrate, and a 4th of July holiday.
Facebook algorithms are very active, and quite insensitive…throwing at me past memories of things I did to try to cheer up his birthdays and 4th of July celebrations/trips we took together during happier times. I greet the FB memories with sensations of surprise, shock, love, longing and sadness often accompanied with thoughts like “today would be his 24th birthday” or “you know, he would’ve really enjoyed this night with us”. Even as we were traveling to DC this year to celebrate TJ’s successes this 4th of July, Alexander’s physical presence was missed, though spiritually he was with us the entire trip. He loved DC.
Whenever he’s present with us, I am in awe that he can still interact with us, and am mostly thankful that he does. I am in awe of the ways he can still communicate and also in awe of the ways he continues to influence me, urging me to be a better version of myself by adopting his structured ways.
Jonathan Haidt wrote a book “The Anxious Generation” laying out the facts of the epidemic of mental illness our kids are struggling with today. It is a worldwide phenomenon and hits boys and girl alike, but in different ways and with different reactive behaviors based on gender. I recommend this read highly as it validated much of what I surmised on my own, but brings to light so much more insight.
One of the recommendations made in the book is for the kids to absorb themselves in Nature and Haidt expounds on the need for experiencing a sense of awe. Experiencing awe can help one better understand one’s place in the world, to see the grandiose system that is Nature, and help you set a more grounded footing for your place on Earth. It’s this concept of not knowing where or how you fit in the world that contributes greatly to anxiety and fears, and time spent in nature helps you settle the unsettled.
Oddly, Alexander often sought nature, going on trail walks to explore his own spirituality and to release his own stress. He was on the right path but didn’t even really know it. I too, was doing the same at that time, and still do, by walking on a trail that he mentioned to me that was near our new home. With a twinkle in his eye, he told me how beautiful it was and that you felt completely in the wild at times but were yet close to the neighborhood. Sadly, we never had the chance to walk the trail together.
I do that now, whenever I can. I call it Alexander’s trail, and I marvel at the beauty that he wanted to show me. I am eternally remorseful that I’ll never have that chance to physically walk with him on this trail. I get emotional every time I do, but at the same time I know he is walking with me always, and am in awe that he continues to guide me from above to this day.
Alexander’s Trail (Black Creek Greenway)
Thank you for sharing Tony. I really enjoy learning more about Alexander. My heart is with you all so often as you navigate this tremendous loss every day 💜💜
Thank you Barbara, thanks for being present for us, you have been so kind and open. We truly appreciate you!
Thanks to you and Francie for sharing your story. I lost my oldest brother, Rick, in January 1980. I was 11. He died by suicide at the age of 26. We never talked about it, even within my family. I never understood how everyone just held it all in. My dad and his mom (he was my half brother) are both gone now. I talk about it with my brother Al. He was closest in age to Rick, and was devastated by his death. I truly hope mental health issues become less taboo, services become more available, and we can better support one another as a community. Sending love to you both.
My heart goes out to you Lou Anne, that is devastating. Talking it out and sharing is the only way to recover, IMO. Francie and I talk about Alexander all the time, and talking with others who have a similar experience is also helpful. We’re here for you, healing is a journey. Much love to you too.💜
And one day, you’ll be walking the streets of heaven together. Happy b’day Alex !
And to also celebrate TJ’s b’day and yours this month of July.
Always in my thoughts and prayers….
Thank you so much “Aunt Pam”, I miss hearing that. Thank you for the B-day wishes thats kind of you to remember.
Just checking in on the blog, and on you & Francie. So glad for this outlet for your ponderings and insights, and that readers get to share & learn from your journey.
💜 Thank you for the kind works and for connecting with us. You are validating the hopes we have for sharing our journey here.
Such a beautiful reflection, Tony. You are a wonderful writer. Our hearts are with you. I admire your huge heart and deep receptivity to Alexander’s ongoing presence. Much love to you all❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Carson, we are definitely living with him and the times he’s with us are quite special. It all starts with an open mind to the ongoings of the world. Much love to you and Jim! 💜💜
Tony, this is a beautiful reflection. Yes, Awe is amazing. I enjoy reading Brené Brown’s books and in “Atlas of the Heart” she has a nice discussion on Awe. I look forward to walking “Alexander’s Trail” someday with you. I hope that your sharing with us what you are experiencing brings you comfort. Knowing you are part of my life brings me calm. Love to you and yours my friend.
I appreciate you George, you are a special kind of soul, I can sense that. My mind and eyes are wide open on this journey and I’m still learning, and am just sharing as I move along. Thank you for connecting my friend. 💜
I have been thinking about you both, knowing Alexander’s birthday was in early July. Taking a walk in nature is a balm like no other. I hope you continue healing on his trail. Thanks for posting Tony.
Much love to you and Tim, Judith. Your own nature trip are quite awe inspiring a well, love that you are bold that way!
A beautiful reminder of how nature can heal. Thank you as always for sharing your journey & memories of Alexander.
I don’t think the younger set gravitate towards Nature naturally, but I totally agree, there is so much healing that is done in just a few minutes away from the daily grind. Thanks for reading Margy!
A beautiful reminder of how nature can heal. Thank you as always for sharing your journey & memories of Alexander. Especially during his birthday month
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This is so beautifully said Tony and my heart is heavy for u all but knowing Alexander is guiding u in a different realm i hope bring your family comfort.
Thank you Pam, it is a continuous roller coaster for us for sure, and his interactions do provide us some solace knowing he is with us. Thank you for your kind words and for connecting with us. 💜
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In Awe💜
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This is a beautiful and important reminder to all of us, older and younger, to connect with the power of nature. Since the many devastating losses the past few years, Alexander’s among them, nature is the only place that I seem to be able to feel the awe that you describe. I cannot imagine how you guys are coping and continuing to grow in your journey. But I think of you often and am so grateful for our connection. Sending so much love my friend 💜
I feel the same Deb, Nature allows the time to reflect, connect and grow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts openly, it is meaningful to us. Much love to you and the boys.💜
Wonderful message brother. Yes, nature and spirituality are missing components and quite possibly the root of what ails young and old alike in our modern society.
Thank you for sharing, Brother Chirag. I feel these are elements of hope for our kids that are intertwined but often get overlooked during development. Thanks for being such a big part of this journey for us, wherever it’s going. I am grateful and fortunate that you’re with me.💜
I was sitting here reflecting on your beautiful words, raised my head, and the first thing I noticed were the purple flowers next door. I will always cherish “city camping” and playing on the tennis court with Alexander & TJ back in San Francisco days, Swenson’s, Zarzuela, and the requisite city camping spots. Love you all in a big way! Aunt Giacomina
Aww,such golden and fond memories you just brought back. Thank you Jayme, we’re so glad you were part of their lives growing up, truly you were family and their SF Aunt. 💜
Thank you for this beautiful vulnerable post. Nature is one of my main sources of calm, beauty, wonder and inspiration- but your post reminds me to share it more often with my kids and new grandson; it will hopefully do them a world of good also💜
Thanks for this special post.
That would be an amazing gift for them, and most likely you too. I can already imagine the memories you would make together. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, this helps us all grow. 💜