“So how are you doing?” As innocent as it sounds, I often get tripped up trying to craft a split-second reply. And depending upon who is asking, I do not always know how to respond. Most of the time it’s “I’m alright” and I mean that, but sometimes its fakery for fear of sharing too much and not wanting to “go there”.
In general, I give myself fair marks for living with perpetual longing and sadness. Early on, we chose a path of active living with Alexander, even though physically we are without. My intentional journey is of embracing his essence; my office is adorned with material things associated to my love for my son. He was a better person than I, and I honor him by trying to adopt his virtuous habits and his ideologies. My most coveted possessions were our conversations, memories for which I am holding on to, but alas, the vibrancy of which are unjustly slipping with the passage of time.
Alexander still graces us with visits; they are met with great love and surprise and they reinforce our togetherness. As we go about our daily lives, our heads fill with remorseful thoughts of joy we all could have had together. We are triggered by things we know Alexander would love, for example the simple act of gardening, a Saturday morning trip to the farmer’s market, or our first time kayaking – – something he expressed great interest in doing here in NC but left us before we could. Past life adventures with Alexander seemed few and far between, yet our imaginations strive to keep the vestiges of his spirit strong in us while we are without him.
Our house is sprinkled with physical reminders of Alexander, including a pantry loaded with his culinary assets and a bedroom full of his meager, yet treasured possessions. These are powerful reminders to keep our bond alive, and I rue the day when we will have to separate from his things. It is akin to tossing away keys to his memories, to be forever lost in the vaults of our aging minds.
I do a few extra things to keep Alexander in the present with me. I keep his cell phone account active and his phone charged, to freely share snapshots of our lives and tell him how much I miss him. It’s visceral for me and I pray that it works like a spiritual beacon calling out for my son.
When he was six, he handed me a few tickets from a school fair to keep and I put them in my wallet. I showed these to Alexander while he was here in NC, 17 years later. He was surprised and chuckled and asked why I did that. I said because you asked me to keep them forever. I told you I would, and I am keeping my promise. He shook his head in playful disapproval and grinned. These will remain in my wallet until the day I join him.
Alexander’s Tickets
The most poignant item I have is a candid photo TJ took of Alexander active in conversation. It is my favorite portrait and I have it hanging next to my office doorway, nestled with portraits of my father and mother. As I leave the room, I feel he is speaking directly to me, offering advice or his perspective on whatever our many topics may be. I miss those conversations so dearly.
It is an intentional illusion I created for myself, so that I can live with Alexander as I live without.
Items in a wallet, and a special photograph. I relate to these thoughts deeply. Then there are those thoughts that come when I’m out on a ride. Wishing my son or daughter were with me to share the sights. I realize how fortunate I am, knowing they are but a phone call away. Your stories will keep Alexander with you.
Thank you George. We’re not spring chickens, I know you will cherish all your moments with your children. Much love to you.💜
Beautifully written….we all miss him, but I’m sure not as much as you. I have had him on my mind more than usual, here lately. We’re coming to one year since his departure. I remembered that his fav philanthropic project was donating and serving at the local food bank.
So I asked what was needed for inventory at the student food pantry on campus, where I work with these college students. I was given a few requests, one from a work study student who knew of a fav among them to have on hand. Off to Costco this week and picked up case lots of 2 items and a handful of tuna packets for a quick protein snack.
I shared with the food pantry manager that this was to honor my nephew we lost a year ago.
Hoping this is a win/win for food pantry donations for college students on my campus. Nothing can really fill the place in my heart for him,but to know we’ll see him again one day. And to be ever mindful of these young adults,to help them navigate the world around them. Love to you, and Francie, and TJ. We are with you.
Wow, thank you Pam. That is very touching and I appreciate you honoring him that way, from the bottom of my heart. 💜💜
Beautifully written once again. My heart goes out the you all. I love that you keep his phone account activated and phone charged😍
Sending you all love and hugs💜
Thank you for the kind words and love Maarit! The same to you and thank you for connecting still yet. 💜 to all.
Francie, you are a beautifully gifted writer.
Thank you for sharing your perspective with those of us who deal with our own losses … I look forward to each of your posts as they always give me a little bit of peace.
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Hi Valerie, well yes Francie is a gifted writer but surprise! It’s me (Tony) who authored this post, but thank you all the same. We hope you are well and thank you for being here for us! 💜
Awe Tony thank you for sharing and keeping us along on your heartbreaking journey. I feel like I get to know Alexander a bit more each time. My heart is always with you all. Big hug.
You are so kind Barbara. Much love. 💜💜💜
The words “living with and without” really resonate with me. Thank you again and again and again for sharing introspection and raw honesty with us. I may not be able to relate to your specific journey, but the shared pain for a dear friend helps me to continue our close ties, no matter how many miles separate us. You are courageous. Know that you are loved
I am thankful that I had the ability to make a choice to live with Alexander, not all that I know who have experienced a loss were as fortunate. Thank you so much for your friendship and love Deb.💜
This is so beautifully and profoundly communicated. I don’t know how you find the words, but I’m grateful that you do.
You are very kind Lisa, thank you so much for connecting with us here! 💜
Thank you for letting us walk this journey with you. It helps to feel your words and memories and in turn gives us the courage and strength to get through our own challenging moments. I can see how Alexander left you his gift of also helping others. Love to you all.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Catherine, this is meaningful for us and thank you for still being here with us. Much love to you all.💜
Oh Francie, this is so beautifully written.
Thank you for sharing such deep and personal feelings with us. We all miss dear Alexander so much. He will never be forgotten and lives within our hearts. 💜
Thank you Cathy, I put my best “Francie” on this post so I guess it shows. Thank you for your sweet comments, love you guys tons and miss you! 💜
Such an open hearted, spiritual message. ❤️🙏🏼 We think of you often and send our loving vibes across the country! ❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you, Tony. As always, I am inspired by your honesty and strength. Your words “living with and without” really resonate with me as I navigate my first year without my father (not the same as losing a child). I have two saved voicemails from him about very mundane things but I find comfort in hearing his voice.
My heart goes out to you Rebecca. I hope you find a bit of peace knowing that your Father will be with you always. Much love to you and thank you so much for sharing!💜
Tony, big lump in my throat, especially thinking of those tickets Alexander entrusted to you that you will now keep in your wallet until you join him. Such an exceptionally moving post about longing and loss but also the beautiful choice you and Francie made to live actively with Alexander. Sending love to you both.💜
Thank you Elena. 💜💜💜