Sep 25th marked the one year “anniversary” date we lost Alexander. For weeks leading up to this day, I was twisted inside with foreboding dread, fear, and anxiety for the inevitable flood of raw memories that were sure to hijack my over-active mind. Admittedly, it is hard to describe the daily heaviness that is our new reality, but Francie and I are doing well striving for balance as we rebuild our lives.
This time of holiday celebration is the part of the year I struggle with the most. Autumn is my perennial favorite season; I love it all.. the turning of the leaves, the golden tints of the sun, the crisp cool air. After a long hot summer, the fall ushers in a calming serenity and gives me pause to recognize the awe and beauty that nature can bring. It also marks a turn towards the holiday season, one of family and celebration with Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas coming in rapid succession.
Autumn now falls on me with unsettled abandon, as the very things I love about the turning of the season are now associated with the passing of my son. Part of me wants to love it. Part of me wants to break down and cry.
On Sep 25, I took the day off. I knew my head was not going to be screwed on correctly and certainly, treating this as another common day was not the right path. Surprisingly that morning, I woke up at 5:41am. The week Alexander left us I was waking up to this time for days and am confident this is the time he departed. Coincidentally or not, while in DC, TJ also woke up at that same time. Alexander seemed intent on starting the day together.
Francie and I decided we were going to spend the day with a curated list of activities to commemorate our recent times with Alexander. The morning started with a walk to a make-shift shrine I made for Alexander last year to drop off sunflowers; those were his favorites as they brought him cheer and happiness. We continued to his walking trail, which Francie got to experience for the first time. Surrounded by the beauty of nature, I shared with her my remorse for never having walked the trail with Alexander. I showed her a scenic bridge I found and commented that this could have been one of his favorite spots. As I was uttering the words, I could feel him agreeing, signaling to me with a sensation of a band gently squeezing around my head and tingles in my brain as he often does.
For lunch, Francie took me to a food hall that she and Alexander discovered in Raleigh. As plain as day I can vividly recall seeing his smiling radiant face proudly sharing the culinary discoveries he made with mom, and how they saved half an Italian sandwich for me to try, excited to see my reaction to it. He was so excited for us to all go back together to that food hall, yet left us the very next day. It was another point of remorse for me, but also a little closure as Alexander joined us at lunch that day, letting us know with brain tingles.
Out of convenience, we had Vietnamese Pho for dinner but realized after the fact that this was Alexander’s favorite dinner item and coincidentally, the last meal he had. Simultaneously in DC, TJ had some of Francie’s gumbo she made for him; also coincidentally, it was one of Alexander’s favorite dishes that Francie would cook for him and the last recipe he asked for. Coincidence is not coincidence in the spirit world, we are all tied together as one.
What started as a journey of dread, ended as a quiet tribute and celebration. I have decided this is a muscle I need to build, transitioning solemn moments of remembrance to moments of celebrating our cherished time with Alexander.
Thought of you all that week especially. A one year mark in loss, is a passage to know you are always going to have him in your history together, your commemorating him in your present, but looking forward to the future when you see him again and a forever with him.
Every journey so different, thank you for sharing yours with us.
That is the truth Pam, everyone’s journey is their own. Thanks for reading and connecting still yet.💜🙏
Beautiful and touching blog. No coincidence, it’s Alexander right there with his family. Our prayers are with you always.
Thank you Tricia, that’s very kind of you to share. Love and hugs to you and the family!💜💜
Tony, your beautiful words marked with sadness and remembrance continue to amaze me. Your ability to continue on your own journey is humbling. I love you guys so very much. Keep blogging my friend and thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts Deborah, that is very meaningful for us. Love to you and all the boys!💜💜💜🙏🙏🙏
This is so beautifully written and from your heart, where Alexander will always live.
Thank you for sharing your feelings on this very important day.
Thank you for your kind words Madeline!💜🙏
Thank you for the words and thoughts that I cannot say. I am walking that road with you. Hugs to you all.
We are right there with you Catherine, and so is Todd. Always loved, never lost. Big hugs and love to you, Emma and Christophe!💜💜💜🙏🙏🙏
Thank you Tony for sharing your deeply personal journey. You and Francie are a light to our community and help other families navigate similar loss. Sending hugs.
Thank you Staci, I am thankful for your message and the encouragement. If others see benefit in this light and if they can see they are not alone, that will make our day. Much love to you and the boys!💜
You created a day of hope and shared memories. I totally know Alexander was with you and Francie the whole day. Miss you in the neighborhood.
Thank you Stephanie, I miss those morning walks and chats with you guys. Love to you and the family! 💜
Thank you Tony for continuing to let us in on your journey of love, loss, heartbreak, healing, spirituality, connections to Alexander and more. You are all in my heart everyday.
Much love to you Barbara, you are a sweetheart. 💜
Thank you for sharing this day with so many of us and keeping Alexander in our hearts and lives. He will accompany you on all journeys and through you, be at every celebration. Those in grief are not alone. We are members of a company no one wishes to join of those who know loss.
That’s beautifully stated Graham, and agree and feel the same..bonded by an invisible gravity. Thanks for continuing to connect with us.🙏
Sending so much love to you all! You write so beautifully, Tony!❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much as always Carson, that is very kind of you and 💜💜 right back to you and Jim!
Thank you for sharing your very personal experience. You are a light to others and you walk on your new road. Much love to you, Francie and TJ.
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Coincidence is not coincidence in the spirit world—I love this so much. I’m so grateful to you and Francie for sharing your remembrances and experiences with Alex. They break my heart and then repair it with hope. Sending all of you love and hugs.💜💜💜💜
No words can describe how sweet you have been to us and Alexander, Elena. We’re so grateful for you.💜💜
Thank you Tony, for sharing, for being an inspiration and keeping Alexander’s memory alive with us all. Sending Love.
Thank you so much Pam!💜💜
Every time I’m up on the Rim Trail, I think of my wonderful hiking partner in Francie, and send some love into the universe for each of you. Thank you for sharing the journey.
Thank you so much for your kindness!💜💜
Such beautiful wiring Tony. Thank you for sharing this and turning your pain into something new. I was in tears and my brain tingled too!
Thanks for joining us Erin, and for sharing your experiences. That is a connection with us, I am certain, as I’m getting tingles right now as I type. No coincidence there, that was with purpose.💜💜
This is so vivid and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Much love to you all:>
And much love back to you and the fam Maarit. Thank you so much for still connecting with us! 💜💜
Thank you for sharing your experience and aspirations. Beautifully written.
Thank you Craig, thanks for connecting my friend. I miss seeking you out on the roads back there. Wishing you the best for the holidays!
Thank you for sharing you grief as well as hope journey. Remembering Alexander and the things he loved to do with you guys honors his life. As always, sending you all peace and love.
Thank you for sending these thoughts and vibes Margy.💜
Looking forward to seeing you guys soon. Listening to Christmas music, one is about Christmas in heaven….for all our loved ones, but Alex is most in my heart.
I’m still in the millennial and Gen Z age groups teaching. I’m noticing more anxiety among students these last 2 yrs. Alex has made me more aware of their fragility underlying. A book recommended to me is called The Anxious Generation. Confirmed some of what I’m seeing among them. I don’t know that this fits your scenario, but for me it’s a much needed wake up call, as I’m among them. Alex’s life will have purpose in my life for years to come, hopefully to the benefit of these students and their families.
Christmas cheer is near as we celebrate those that are dear !