We reside in a vortex. Life is spinning around us, seemingly in balance, until something sucks us down or out of it altogether. I never really looked at life that way. It was just a fuzzy metaphor someone shared with me after my Dad passed. Basically, you’ll be fine until you’re not.
The thing is, you never know what will trigger a downward spiral. About a year after my Dad left us, our family had a four-hour layover in Honolulu. We had never been and thought a trip to Pearl Harbor would be cool. Long story short, this place reminded me of my Dad because of his Navy days and the period music that played on the campus, think Glen Miller.
Like a light switch, I became a sopping mess. Despite being in a palm-tree paradise, I had slipped out of my vortex, just like my friend said.
Fast forward to Christmas break in Colorado. It’s been two and a half years since we lost our son. Some days we are melancholy, but we manage. Nothing prepared me for seeing, front and center, a 9 x 12 photo of my son on a mantel at my in-laws’ home. At first, I thought it was a nice tribute,
Then, just like at Pearl Harbor, something snapped. I had to leave. Tears were streaming on and off for well into the next day. Thank goodness for the HUGE, el cheapo sunglasses my sister loaned me for the trip. Those too-big sunglasses were worth their weight in gold for hiding my tear-stained face and igniting deep belly laughs when I met my high school friend for lunch. I knew she wouldn’t care if I was a blubbering mess, and she would probably crack me up…the sunglasses were a nice comedic diversion.
Gold!
I say all this not for sympathy, but to go back to the beginning of this post: you are in a vortex until you are not. After 2.5 years, I thought the worst was behind me, but it wasn’t, and maybe it isn’t. I know how to manage my grief: Out of sight, out of mind.
I CANNOT look at photos of my son. I CAN’T.
I have my ways of being with him that are comfortable for me. They keep me in my vortex, my positive vibe.
I like to see him in the amethyst purple heart on my desk as I write. I like looking into my wallet at the purple paper heart with the purple ribbon from his celebration of life. The gifts of purple jewelry from friends touch my heart. I love spotting Dodge Challengers, especially purple ones. I love it when he sends me songs unexpectedly that only he can choose. I love it when he sings to me as a Wren in the mornings. I love it when he jams my phone where I can’t delete something or change a song, maybe not in the moment, until I realize it’s him. Rascal.
Hubby is the opposite. BRING IT ON. His office is filled with framed photos and memorabilia. That feeds his soul and keeps him in balance, in the vortex.
The ways of staying positive, or in the vortex, are personal. For me, it’s pickleball, journaling, deep convos with gfs, and contemplative books, movies, or podcasts. But even with all of that, a trigger can pop up and send me crashing in a flash. It’s part of the healing, I imagine. But a supportive Hubby, smart friends, and an ugly pair of BIG sunglasses can work wonders.
I suppose this is a message for anyone missing a loved one. There is no right or wrong; it just is what it is for you.
Sending love, Francie… ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Carson! Hugs to you and Jim!💜💜💜
Love you my friend. 💜
A lovely and helpful post Francie. Thank you! 💜
Thank you. I’m happy to oblige; it’s therapeutic.💜
Sending so much love, Francie! Grief is such a personal thing. Thanks for the reminder.
Yes, it is personal. And sometimes I think it’s worth validating for others. We are not alone in how we grieve. Love you back!💜
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As always, your words go right to my heart. We all grieve differently. Thanks for reminding us that our varied paths are valid and right. 💙
Thank you for the validation. You are deep and senstive thinker. I appreciate your words.💜
Thinking of you 💜 And love the big sunglasses (and that you put a pic in the blog!).
Thanks for continuing to share your endless love for Alexander with us us, however it shows up.
Last week I was with friends who also lost their child and she has been showing up for them in unexpected ways. The parents were anxious to share their encounters with her to us, I was happy to tell them about all the wonderful ways Alexander shows up for you and Tony. Find the blessings and keep on moving on . Xo
I get where your friends are coming from. We were not sure of what we were experiencing and if we said anything out loud, people might think we were crazy. We’re not! Tell your friends about the book “Signs” by Laura Lynne Jackson. The book validated our experiences. Hugs to your friends. And hugs to you for your support and sharing our learnings.💜
Sending lots of love and hugs to you and Tony. Your writing is so beautiful.
Thanks for always being there Barbara!💜
I think of you and Tony often. It’s heartbreaking. I love how you have met the unimaginable loss of your son with honesty and love.
And we are still learning. It’s so nice to have the support of our friends and family. Thanks for reaching out Steve!💜
I am with you all the way Francie. I get it. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in this in between place. It’s always good to hear your words and feel that we are not alone on this journey. Hugs to you and Tony.
I was thinking of you as I wrote, hoping it would find you. I’m glad it’s resonating. It’s a long journey of healing but as you said, we are not alone.💜
Oh Francie, your writing paints a picture for me. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Love you my friend!
Aww. It was the sunglasses right?😂 Thank you for your kind words and loving support.💜
The vortex is such an apt metaphor! This is a wise, insightful and poignant post. I love your humor and honesty in sharing your journey. It’s really beautiful. Sending you big hugs.💜😘
Wow!Thank you for your kind words. The hardest posts to write seem to resonate the most. Ya just never know.Much love to you my friend.💜💜💜
Yep!! You are right! 🫂
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Nice message for everyone.
I was hoping.😊💜
Being the sister giving you those glam sunglasses,extra pair in my glovebox,happy to oblige. Lol
I remember triggers as we lost Dad too…different things at different times. But so many years later,it’s dimmed over time. I think that time is a gift we all get in our own personal grief journey.
Sometimes it’s ok if you forget to bring your own sunglasses.💜
So beautifullly said, so sad and so right. 💜
Definitely a tough topc. No way around it but go through it. We will be stronger in the end. Love to you Jeanette!💜
I struggle with words after reading all these beautiful posts, just know they are impactful and you have many who will hold you up and be there for you when you fall out of the vortex every now and again.
You found just the right thing to say. Thank you my friend.💜
Thank you for sharing Francie. Sending you love and thinking of your often.
Aww. Thank you Pam. Right back at you.💜
Beautiful Francie. I, too, love the book “Signs”! Of course it was a Kim recommendation : )
I never tire of reading passages from that book. It’s uplifting and positive, and of course Kim would know.;-)💜💜💜
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Thank you for sharing Francie. You express so well the different stages of grief and how everyone needs to handle this in their own way, when the triggers come over you. Thinking of you often. Sending you big hugs from Sweden. 💙💛
Thank you my dear friend. I never know what will resonate with others. This post seems particularly strong. I feel the Swedish love!💜
Francie, this really hit home with me! I still get knocked out of my “comfortable’ vortex when I see pictures of my Dad, and its already been 6 years! The mementos are much easier…the glass paperweight “wave” with his ashes, the pendant I wear also with his ashes, his leather recliner that is so ugly but still comfortable, so it’s still sitting here, even pictures of him with family are getting more tolerable…it’s the profile pictures, the ones where he is alone, that really stop me in my tracks. So I totally get what you mean when you saw the picture of Alexander on the mantle!!! Its true, grief is so different for all of us! I just want you to know that your words always resonate with me and I think about you often…and Alexander as well! We honor him by keeping the purple paper heart on our bulletin board, for my family to always remember that “You are loved”!
Oh Michelle, this is so touching. I love learning about the special mementos of your dad. He must have been one special guy, ugly chair and all. My dad had a special chair too; I own it! It’s funny you mention the profile photos; that’s the one that got me. I’m honored and touched you keep that purple heart in eyesight. Alexander is hard at work, letting me know he’s lurking. I hope you feel the same about your dad.
Francie –
Whenever I get an email notification, a new blog post is up. I mark that email as unread until the time I want to sit in silence and read your words.
You have the gift through your writing to always give me a perspective and insight, even when I didn’t know I needed it.
I 💜 you – Valerie
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Those are powerful words Miss Valerie. I am honored.😊 💜 you back!😉