Recently, I’ve been asked how I am coping with the loss of Alexander now that a year and a half has passed. IMO, one’s path to define one’s new reality after a tragedy is as unique as an individual snowflake and so it is a difficult question to answer.
My son no longer exists in the physical. I cannot see, touch, or speak to him but yet still our relationship lives and that is a foreign concept to grasp for many. Having nurtured him for a very short 23 years, in an odd twist of fate, Alexander is now our protector watching over us from the heavens and guides us when needed.
Francie and I are still on a journey crafting a future without our son. We are faring well and trying to be strong, but arriving to the state we are in now was a challenge in reforming the foundations of our spirituality, awareness, consciousness and, ultimately, our beliefs.
Some say we are brave and courageous, but when you lose someone you love so much, and are drowning in sadness, the choices were simple. We could either open our hearts and minds to receive the slightest clue for what Alexander could be sending as an attempt to reach us, or turn away and disavow the possibility that we could be touched from the other side, and consequently extinguish any hope of connecting to him.
His methods for Francie and me are quite different. For Francie, she has a visual channel to Alexander that I do not have. He also surrounds her in Dodge Challengers. I know that sounds ridiculous and there is a story behind that, but when we travel together, they consistently appear in abundance. When I drive alone, sitings are quite rare.
For the both of us, he gives us brain tingles to announce his presence, or affirm our suspicions that he had his hand in something that was puzzling us. We have grown to enjoy that sensation; it often puts grins on our faces, particularly when we have a mutual epiphany.
For me, Alexander communicates mostly by interfering with my music.
Within a few months of Alexander’s passing, I was trying to pull myself back into normalcy with a peaceful solo bike ride to collect myself. I had a familiar Spotify playlist on but as I was pulling into the parking lot, a foreign track was inserted into the playlist I did not recognize. I tried to fast forward the song, it would not. I tried to revert to the previous track, it would not. I tried the buttons on the media console on the car, they would not work. I tried to stop the song on my phone, but it would not. All systems were strangely locked to this song.
Frustrated and puzzled, I soon realized this was Alexander’s means of capturing my undivided attention, and I proceeded to seek out the message.
The song is “Trace of A Man” by Chvrches, an EDM band whom we both liked. I was not familiar with this song at the time, and I am pretty sure Alexander was not either. Spotify scrolls through the lyrics synchronized to the song. The refrain was repeating:
And I know I need to feel relief
I know I need to feel released
Take care to tell it just as it was
Take care to tell on me for the cause
Take care to bury all that you can
Take care to leave a trace of a man
At the time Francie and I were working on launching this blog. All along we felt he was putting pressure on us to publish this. The timing of this nudge from Alexander cannot be denied, nor can his message urging me to share his story, hold no punches, bury as much grief as I can, and to carry a trace of him wherever I go.
This track never pops up in my playlists, except after long periods where I have not posted. It’s a case in point for this post as he inserted this EDM song (twice) into a jazzy house fusion playlist I was listening to. And he is right, it has been too long.
I am grateful for the relationship I have with Alexander. Where he is guiding me, I do not know. But my mind and heart are open.
So glad to hear of your amazing Alexander connections. He seems like quite the character in his communications with you both. Much needed I’m sure. Thank you for sharing. Prayers up for continued healing.
Thank you for your continued testimony about Alexander and love that transcends physical limits.
That is so true, and rather amazing if you sit down and think about it at all. 💜
Thank you Tricia, sometimes his humor comes through as well.We are blessed this way. 💜
Dearest T & F,
Cmas visit F shared her experiences behind the scenes. I go to a clinic to see students and first time I saw a car with California plates and the plate frame was Mt Diablo location. I knew the name and the area, it was in the month of September, the one year mark for A’s departure. I smiled to myself and in that moment, I knew it was a touch from heaven. I call it a God wink, when He knows our needs, and reaches out thru the heavens thru a lost loved one.
I sincerely believe every experience you both have had, which has also served a purpose on this blog too. Sharing with others the journey of loss, an open forum for others in a similar loss, experience,etc.
F’s increased determination in helping high school kids with their college resumes, believing in them, until they can believe in themselves.
It has increased my intentionality toward students I currently have, focusing closer as to what is really going on inside them, not just their off handed remark of “I’m ok”. But you know there is something deeper.
So in my own determination to be more aware of these students, it’s opened conversations to encourage them as they progress in their training for a new career.
But on a more personal note,I’ll share what was given to me in my first horrific loss and subsequent losses. That you will always have your history of that loved one, memories that nobody can take from you. They aren’t physically in your present, because now they have moved to your future, waiting to see you again. Somehow, that still comforts me to this day. Love to you both….there’s no time line in anybody’s journey…..walking with you.
This is so heartfelt, I never knew that about the license, so thank you for sharing that for the first time. We treasure these sort of moments.💜 We spent so many Christmases with you and Greg, you guys were such a big part of the holidays for him. And love to you too..
This is absolutely beautiful. What a blessing to have these signs from Alexander to keep you connected. 💜
Thank you Cathy, we couldn’t agree more, but you do have to work at it a little. Love to you and the boys! 💜💜💜
I appreciate the work it demands to share with us your intimate journey, Thank you. Love you guys so very much
Thank you Deborah, you are so thoughtful and sweet. And you are right, but I have somebody pushing me, so that helps. 😊💜
These song lyrics….goosebumps. Real goosebumps.
I have a whole collection of these sort of moments. It’s sort of crazy and fantastical, but mostly I am thankful for them. Much love to you Linda! 💜
I get it – I understand it and live it. Thank you for making me see things that I could not see and guidance through my journey as well. Love to you all.
I am so glad to hear from you Catherine, and thank you for sharing your thoughts here too. Sending you healing thoughts and love for strength, we may not be there in person, but know that we are with you.💜💜💜
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I love this—keeping all channels open and your willingness to receive his presence in whatever shape, sound or form he chooses. 💜🎶🚘
Tony, Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Alexander is so near in the spiritual realm. I love how you feel him. ❤️❤️❤️ Carson
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These words are so beautifully rendered, Tony. Not only a tribute to Alexander and the powerful connection you each share to him, but a gift to the rest of us too.
You’re so kind Alicia, thank you for your thoughtful words!💜
This is such a beautiful message of love, hope and faith, Tony and Francie! I am so glad that you are choosing hope and opening your hearts and minds to the signs and nudges from Alexander.💜
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You and Francie are so inspirational and have such open hearts! Alex will always be with you, and I love hearing how he reaches out to you both in so many ways.
Thank you Cathy, big hugs! 💜
Thank you Tony for sharing such a beautiful, heartfelt story on your journey. I love how open you both are to Alexanders messages and love he is clearly sending. Hugs to you both.
Big hugs back to you too Barbara, thanks for all that you are. 💜