The business of death is not easy, and as such, I have been mired in “Things.” I carry most of the heavy load in dealing with the loss of Alexander, as Francie will attest. I try my best to stay strong, but begrudgingly confess that 2 years of battling loss and grief is certainly taking a toll on me. I have daily battles with my new emotional norm, which is numbness with a touch of sullen longing. Some days I have to convince myself that the worn and aged face in the mirror is my own. Quiet time and alone time is difficult, and so I stay busy with Things to avoid it.
Things associated with losing a loved one carry an invisible gravity since the closest you can get to your loved one is touching the Things left behind. Even small, insignificant Things can serve as brilliant gateways unlocking colorful mental Polaroid snapshots of lost moments in time.
Recently, Francie placed on my desk an envelope she found in Alexander’s belongings. It was an autographed early release Krewella CD from 2013 that I had completely forgotten about. Krewella was a band we enjoyed together in the early days of EDM, and it took quite some effort to acquire it. Little did I know how he cherished it, traveling with him for 10 years from Lafayette to San Diego, Nashville and finally here in Cary. As I pried open the envelope and pulled out the CD, I was instantly transported in time to the moment he opened it with me in his Lafayette bedroom; his face lit up with the excited anticipation of a 13-year-old. So that’s a Thing.
Dying is not convenient; it is unnecessarily complex, confusing and guaranteed to be frustrating. Take handling Alexander’s estate for example. There is no standard for processing death. Every financial institution handles death with their own unique forms and rules, often adding more complication than necessary. For 18 months, I battled county Estate clerks and notaries, endured countless hours on the phone with call centers of banks, credit card companies, brokerages, placed death announcements in newspapers, and had to work through DMVs in 2 states. In June, I was able to submit a final inventory and filing with the Estate courts and have now been awaiting judgement for 2mo. There is no word to describe the emotional soup of grief, frustration, sadness, anger, anxiety, and loneliness pouring on you daily for months on end. So that’s a Thing.
In the Estate process, I had to sell Alexander’s little red Prius. I have so many memories and emotions tied to Alexander and his car. He was so proud of his decision to sell his jeep for this vehicle, a sign of his transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. He knew how comical it was and embraced it, and even had me drive the car with him to convince me how great this car drove. I spent days detailing that car up to beautify it before selling it. I wanted to make him proud. It’s also the car where we had our last drive together. Driving home from the crematorium with my son in a box strapped to the passenger seat of his Prius was a low point in my life. I cried all the way home. Selling that car was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do as a father. I would be lying if I told you I don’t get triggered by little red Priuses. So that’s a Thing.
In my heart of hearts, I know these Things will pass and the physical Things don’t matter. Alexander doesn’t need these Things where he is, but these Things are delicate tethers that pull the fading memories of my son out of my feeble mind, to the physical world where I can at least have a visceral connection to him; something I yearn for every day.
Over time, these Things will fade, as will my memories. Until another Thing can bring them back to life. So that’s a Thing too.
Wow, I wish I had as elegant of a response as your beautiful words! Tony, Francie and TJ, thank you for taking us on this journey as you navigate life without Alex. His absence is deeply felt each and every day and moment.
Thank you for the kind words Betsy and thank you for still joining us here! 💜🙏
Tony, Thank you for sharing. Your written expression is eloquent and moving. I have no words. Sending love to you, Francie and TJ💜💜💜
Thank you for you sweet words Carson,you are such a a beautiful person. Sending love and hugs to you and Jim as well! 💜
Thinking and praying for you all always. Beautiful words of love. Thanks for sharing your heart.
So touch. Thank you for sharing. I can understand the idea so vividly through your story. Continued prayers.
Thank you for your kindness and for continuing to connect with us.🙏💜
This passage was so beautiful.
🙏💜
Thank you Tricia, you’re a sweetie. Love to you and the family, thanks for following us along here!🙏💜
As always your words are crafted into a beautiful fabric. I think settling an estate is difficult at best,even if it goes smoothly. We went thru this for our Dad’s estate,although planned in advance took a few months to transpire. But doing things you’d expect for an older adult in passing.
However,for the unexpected loss, an ongoing legal neccesity,in place of the person being with you. Yet, in your memorial marker, can be a place of lasting contact.
It’s a tough journey regardless of the process to walk it out.
It has spurred me on to a deeper commitment for working with young adults in my job,I’ve shared before, and each new school year,is renewed. Our student school food bank, my donation with Alex in mind,and his heart for community.
Some things will be lasting in his honor…another Thing in my life as well.
Thanks for sharing…we continue to walk with you.
Thank you Pam, it certainly ist easy. Thankful you for dedicating your time to the younger set, I hope to try to follow your footsteps at some point in some manner or other.💜
Oh my. Such eloquence( I value highly good writing) and sadness. Nothing I can say. A hug if I was standing next to you. I “stand next to you” in prayers and support. I think about you, Francie, TJ and Alexander when I drive by the house on Bradbury and McBride.
Aw, thank you Stephanie, you’re so very kind. I miss running into you in the AMs and for our brief chats. Sending love to you all! 💜💜💜
I don’t really have the right words to respond. Thank you for sharing. And I’m sending you a big hug. ❤️
Your response is perfect. I’ll take it. Thank you Lisa!💜🙏
Thank you Tony for keeping us along on your heartbreaking journey. You are a beautiful, gifted writer. I think of you all so often. sending a big hug.
Barbara
Thank you so much Barbara, when I read your words, I see in my head your great big smile and I hear your voice clear as day. Makes me smile a bit. Love to you and the family!🙏💜
Oh Tony, I cannot fathom your deep ongoing grief. You describe it so eloquently, but that is little comfort I’m sure. I hope you continue to heal a little day by day even though your life is forever altered.
We try, it’s a big long journey for sure and we’re still learning as we go. 🙏💜
Tony…thinking of you and Francie and TJ often. Your words and writing are beautiful and honest and helpful and healing to the rest of us, as I am hoping they are to you. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure you make Alexander proud of his family💜
Such sweet words, thank you so much Cathy! Love to you and the family!💜🙏
Your words and emotions are my words and emotions as well. I get it -the things that take us back to sad and happy times. Thank you so much for sharing. Big hugs to all of you.
I think about you often Catherine. I’m glad we can connect at least a little here and hope this helps in a weird way. You are not alone in your thoughts. Sending much love to you!💜
Your ability to paint with words is so very eloquent and thoughtful. Thank you for sharing your intimate, powerful, and deeply personal journey. I can offer nothing but my love, which is for eternity my friend
Love you right back Deb. I was just giving a hard look at your heart painting today which drew me in for a few minutes. You’re so gifted,thoughtful and amazing.💜
Tony you have such a way with words! You are so brave sharing your deeply personal thoughts and feelings, and my heart goes out to you, Francie and TJ.
Alex will never be forgotten and will live on in our hearts always. 💜
Thank you Cathy,you’re so sweet. Miss you and the big guy!💜
I imagine you talk with Alexander every single day. I imagine he visits you both in your dreams. I imagine he sends you those special signs you share with us in order to somehow get us to dream about a world next door, closer than we think. Wishing you healing and peace. Thank you so much for these, Tony.
You are spot on Linda, thank you for your touching words! 💜
Thank you for sharing your struggles. Grief is so tricky and no one tells you about the daily ache. Sometimes it really is just putting one foot in front of the other when you can’t imagine taking a step. Sending you all peace.
Thank you Margy, you’re so right. Some days are harder than others, we’re still learning and getting on. 💜
This is so beautiful, Tony.💜
Thank you as always Elena, your love is very special and we feel it all the way over here.💜
Oh, Tony, so heartbreaking. Thank you for the eloquent honesty. May knowing how many of us love and care about your whole family always be a Thing.
We appreciate for your love and kindness Theresa. It’s a journey for sure, thank you so much for your sweet words.
Raw.
Real.
Thank you for your honesty about navigating Things without Alexander.
It is unimaginable for most of us.
It helps me better support other friends who have experienced similar unfathomable losses.
Sending love to your entire family.
Thank you so much Staci, for your thoughtful words. It means alot to us when others see value and meaning from our brief messages and we never know unless you comment, so thank you and big hugs to you. We feel your love and send some back to you and the boys. 💜
Raw.
Real.
Thank you for your honesty about navigating Things without Alexander.
It is unimaginable for most of us.
It helps me better support other friends who have experienced similar unfathomable losses.
Sending love to your entire family.