Who hasn’t uttered those words at least once in a lifetime? Books and articles abound trying to make sense of our purpose. Should we believe in God? Should we believe in aliens, the outer space kind? Have we lost faith in humanity? What is the point?!?
Just over a year after Alexander’s departure, I feel and search for answers. The things that stressed me out in 2023 are not the same things stressing me out in 2024. I suppose that’s a blessing but I think it also means, time does heal. I’ll never heal over the loss of our son, but I can’t help thinking that if he had given himself a year, or even two weeks, or a day, things wouldn’t look so bad and he’d still be here. Damn.
The answers for me are coming at me in all sorts of directions and will read like a grocery list, seemingly unrelated but all pointing to the same thing, feeding a hunger. I just need to figure out what I’m making. I may never really know. In the meantime…
Signs. I’ve read oodles about messages from the other side. We are not alone in our outreach by our loved ones. I think we’re extra lucky because we are highly attuned and looking for signs from Alexander wherever we can. Dodge Challengers swarm me in every color imaginable and Hubby is shrouded in songs with beautiful messages of love and searching that magically pop up while he’s driving. It’s going next level with physical nudges that make us turn around to see who bumped into us but nobody is there, not even the cat. I can’t stop reading about uncanny coincidence or hearing and sharing what we get from our son with each other. Even though I know a lot, I want to know more. Hear more. Is there a meaning I don’t know about or should experience?
Popped up in a parking lot on 12/22. I never drive in this direction, BOOM!💜
Church. I tried a new one with some friends here in Cary. Hubby was riding his bike and I explained, that’s his religion when they asked about his absence. The husband said music is really his religion even though he sits in a pew semi-regularly. Whoa. He’s right. Not exactly the sermon I was expecting that day but the thought has stayed with me. Creativity is divinely inspired in my opinion and the words take on different meanings at different times of our lives. Alexander tries to explain to us what he is feeling through the lyrics of Under Pressure by Queen. The underlying message is overshadowed by the catchy refrain, “under pressure.” I can’t un-hear the true meaning and when I hear the refrain in another context, say an athletic commercial, I cringe.
SciFi. Yeah, this shocked both Hubby and me. Lately, I’ve struggled to find books I want to read. I stumbled on to The Life Impossible by Matt Haig. (I wonder how that happened?) The main character Grace, 72, is trying to figure out her life’s purpose. In short, her friend Alberto shares his life perspective through music (there is a Spotify playlist) and convinces her to visit a supernatural sea grass that will give her special powers. She discovers if she doesn’t stick around, the island of Ibiza will fall to giant hoteliers. She can make a difference. Hmmm. I am going to re-read as I think there’s a lot to unpack. It’s not too unlike the film Interstellar, currently re-released in IMAX theaters for the adventure scenes and not the subtle message, we are all connected. If the divine can’t prove to people how we’re related, maybe science can.
Movies. I recently saw “It’s a Wonderful Life” at our tiny downtown Cary theater with a few friends. I had never seen it in its entirety. I loved it. It’s funny and meaningful. As you probably know, or maybe you don’t, like me, George the main character, saw how his absence would have hurt his town and everyone he loves, with the help of Clarence, his guardian angel. George learned he made a difference. We all make a difference but we don’t always realize it and in many ways, we never will. I wish Alexander could see how he had a huge impact. Life isn’t the movies, but we know there are answers or influences, I just wish he had had a guardian angel. I do think he has become ours.
Circuitously, I believe my trail of signs and messages leads to the same thing: We are all connected. And whether we believe it or not, the divine, however one defines it, touches us. The packaging is an accepting friend, a kind stranger, a Dodge Challenger or a song. Friends are angels without wings. The good ones support you no matter what. Clarence the angel says:
“No man is a failure who has friends.”
We have many and are so blessed. Thank you for supporting us throughout. You are here for a reason.
Angels on assignment…..they are real, they do exist, you sence their presence and it’s so individual in experience. Powered by the Divine, I love your expression. May the journey become even more Divinely driven and real.
Thanks for sharing Francie! May angel Alexander continue to send his magic and love to you all. Always thinking of you!
Thank you Barbara. We so appreciate your loving words.💜
So insightful Pam 💕
Thank you. We hope so too.
Thank you for sending out this meaningful post on Christmas Eve 2024.
Unintended glitches, or maybe not.😇 I’m glad it arrived at the right time for you.💜
I am so grateful for your continued openness to sharing your journey. Although I can never understand your pain, I can feel your love and appreciate it deeply when I am going through my own struggles. Accepting friends…what a gift
Thank you Deborah for your ongoing support. It means a lot to us. It’s nice to have an outlet and to get your meaningful and heartfelt feedback.💜💜💜
Thank you for sharing, Francie. How special to have Alexander as your very own guardian angel. Sending you and your family love.
Excellent Francie. I always say, “friends are the family we choose”. Friends are angels without wings for sure. I will read the book you mentioned because I am now super curious about it.
You will like it a lot. So much to digest.🤓. Thank you my wingless angel.😊
We think that all the time, lucky to have Alexander as our guardian angel. We think he’s having a blast.💜😇
Thinking of you at the holidays, dear Francie. Thanks for sharing your introspections, purple and otherwise. I’m comforted to know how Alexander is still with you in his many guises.
Keep writing and love from,
Elizabeth
Thank you Elizabeth. You are always an inspiration with the perfect words.💜💜💜
Thanks for sharing. Accepting friends are an amazing gift. Happy holidays.
Yes they are and you are one of them. Thank you for your continued support.💜
I can invision Alex circling around you, Tony and TJ sending you his love.
God bless you all during this Holiday season and into the New Year my friend. 💜
Thank you so much Cathy. We are honored you and Travis reach out to us.Hugs!💜💜💜
Had to wait until today to have the right amount of time to read and then reflect on your post. Your views and insights are so thoughtful. My brother will have been gone 25 years on January 8th. I am glad that you are able to share this way. Miss you so much. Hugs to all.
Gosh Janet. Thank you for reading and responding so thoughtfully. I don’t think I knew about your brother. I am sorry to hear. Amazing how those dates stay with you like no other. I miss you and all the OGs. You are very dear friends.💜💜💜
Aloha Francie & Tony ~ I continue to pray for you both and both of your sons. May God Bless you all.
My mother abandoned her husband and 4 sons at Christmas Time in 1977. She left a loyal husband and boys who adored. She visited infrequently over the next 3+ years. Alas, my mother ended her own life in 1981. Over the many years since, I traveled a continuous path of shock, anger, disbelief, self destructive behavior. A separate yet parallel path was also traveled. One that was founded with the same elements, but mirrored (albeit less organized & slower) than you and Tony’s amazing acceptance and dedicated desire to learn, heal and ~ to be okay. This is the path that brought me to be okay…
Forgive me if I shared too much. I do appreciate this website, your cause. Your words within this remarkable missive is most inspiring. Mahal nui loa..
Oh Shannon, you shared just enough. We learn from each other and that is one of the hopes we have in hosting this website. You were so young so it’s no wonder it took a long time to be okay. We never stop with the woulda, coulda, shouldas. I, Francie, never stop saying “Damn. Dude. You could have been really something.” We know we are lucky to have so much communication with Alexander and that is honestly our silver lining. He’s 100% looking after us.
Interestingly, the author of “Life Impossible” suffered from depression and I thought about ending his life at age 24. One of his earlier books is called “Reasons to Live.” That’s next for me. Uncanny that this all fell into my lap. I’m a reader and the books came to me like songs come to Tony.
Love you and may you stay on the “okay” path.
Francie
Peace brother Shannon, thanks for sharing this openly and my heart goes to you and Reagan. I feel sharing these experiences is like eating an elephant, take one bite at a time and eventually it is an elephant no longer. These things don’t got away, you just learn to live with them, repair yourself in your own way, and soldier on. You’ve always been okay in my books bro.
Wow! Such a powerful words Francie. Angel Alexander, a beautiful feeling of love and joy. He’s forever there with you all.
Thankfully so or we’d be a wreck. 💜
Thank you for your beautiful words and your willingness to share your path forward. We are all learning in this life, thanks for educating. Love to you Tony and TJ
Francie, I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” the other day – it’s always been one of my favorites and I’m glad you watched the whole thing. I am always in tears by the end. As the movie says and you noted, friends are key to so much.
How beautiful that Alexander is visiting you both in so many ways. The fact that you are open to feeling and receiving his present is also key. Much love.
Thank you for sharing Francie; always thinking about all of you ❤️
Thank you Linda. You know him well. Peace to you.