Fall brings on a little melancholy when we are reminded of the changing of the light, the saddest time of our lives, three years ago. There are moments when we are fine, and then we are not. This fall seems to be harder than others. The longing and heavy heart…I’m a bit more wobbly, close to tears sometimes.

Alexander knows it. I can tell by the number of Dodge Challengers I see in a day, purple ones! He’s bringing out the big guns with that purple. He’s quite obvious about it, to be sure I won’t miss a sighting. Say, one pulling into a Trader Joe’s parking lot as I am walking out to my car. Or turning in front of me as I exit the car wash, close enough to touch it. He’s working overtime to console me.

A few days ago, he gave me the best surprise gift of all time. Of course, I didn’t comprehend it at the time; I was too caught up in the mesmerizing moment.

Fridays, I play pickleball with a group of women, good competitive play with music wafting through the air. Some tunes make us toil between playing and dancing on the courts. I hear Alexander sometimes with Sweet Caroline or Under Pressure, and I know he’s watching. But this particular Friday was different.

I was walking back from the bathroom, passing the speaker on the grassy hill, when I was literally stopped in my tracks. I hear a song so beautiful and catchy, and I can’t believe I’ve never heard it before. What is this song? My friend, who was also waiting to play, couldn’t put her finger on the song either.

Shazam!

California Stars performed by Billy Bragg and Wilco. I later learned the song was written by the late Woody Guthrie but never produced. Wilco set the lyrics to music and Billy Bragg brought it to life.

It is magical. If Alexander were a song, I believe this is it. He loved everything about California, north and south. He loved the hills of East Bay where he hiked on his own and with his BFF. His resting spot faces those hills so he can always be a part of something he adored. He loved the beaches and waves of San Diego and the relaxed Hawaiian vibe there, CA style.

The lyrics, to me, are him resting in the most beautiful and peaceful place. I believe he’s telling us he’s ok and if we look up to the stars, we are with him, experiencing the same tranquility. In my mind, I am there every time I listen. It’s a comforting sadness, as odd as that combination sounds. If I could hug him, this is as good as it gets. I feel him deep in my heart and into my soul. 

I’d like to rest my heavy head tonight

On a bed of California stars

I’d like to lay my weary bones tonight

On a bed of California stars

This is his song, and it’s him…literally sleeping on a bed of California Stars where he belongs. I feel him like never before, and it’s as if I’m lying there with him, drawn to the glittery sky, the quiet of the night, and being together. When he first passed, in a half-sleep, I sensed him zooming around what I call space heaven, where I told him how lucky he was to be in this sparkly place. “Look at the incredible stars, Alexander,” as if he were three years old. He’s back in that magical space, as close as I can get to heaven, him comforting me.

I know Alexander played that song at that particular moment so I could really listen and research its name and origin. I would be on to the next shot if I were on the court.

I have a song for my oldest, but I never found the perfect song for Alexander. Now I have one, and it’s, sublime. It’s all the more precious because he gave it to me. The song is on constant loop in my Spotify. (Alexander taught me how to do that.) I walk 3.5 miles, drinking him in, over and over. I cook with him. Drive with him. Sit with him. He’s at my fingertips whenever I need him. I love that he made it possible. I am never alone.