I am not supposed to tell you I am sad or lonely.
I am not allowed to be weak, anxious, sensitive, or vulnerable.
I can only be strong.
I must carry the financial burdens and responsibilities of life and family.
I must be stable and consistent.
I am supposed to be the provider.
I don’t have time for myself, or to address my emotional needs much less recognize that I have them. That does not matter.
What matters is being perceived as successful.
And such is the paradox of the modern male.
The modern-day male, young and old, have converged at a rather ominous crossroad. Both face similar social pressures and expectations confronted with the societal taboo that men cannot show emotion, vulnerability or weakness. Expectations for males to succeed in careers and to demonstrate toughness along the way, creates a jail of isolation and darkness for those that need support. And there are a lot of us males out there in this exact situation, hiding under the cloak of “well-being.”
I am reading Jim Murphy’s book “Inner Excellence.” He dives deeply into the minds of high performing individuals drawing parallels in their mental awareness and acuity while paving a path for others to achieve the same. As I work through his checklists for characteristics of high achievers, I am astonished how many boxes my son Alexander was checking off at the age of 23. He was on the path toward greatness at such a young age.
However, Jim cautions that even among the highest performers and most successful athletes, there are mental forces working hard to sabotage them. He labels them: The Constant Critic, Monkey Madness Mind, and Tricky Little Lies. The given names explain their pitfalls and, for me, it exposes clues to the daily battles Alexandar may have had with these mental demons, alone and in silence. Outwardly, he was highly successful, happy, confident, admired by peers and lifted all those around him. Yet I can only surmise that inside he may have been torn in doubt, hypercritical of his own abilities, or struggling with feelings of self-worth. Trapped by the paradox of the modern male, there is nowhere to turn and pressures build so high that there is only one foreseeable way out.
In Jonathan Haidt’s “The Anxious Generation” I learned that today’s young man is particularly isolated and lonely, more so than females. It starts with a gaming culture where boys hide away in their rooms and “connect” over first person shooter games. Boys and men are less likely to talk and share feelings and emotions like their female counterparts and are lonelier. Compounding this issue, in “Inner Excellence,” Jim points out that high achievers tend to lose their friend bases and need to be prepared to accept loneliness as byproduct of success.
Alexander was brave, strong, and driven to execute his plan for success with great vigor. But we worried about his loneliness and limited circle of friends. When he moved to Nashville, not knowing a single soul out there, our fears intensified, rightfully so. To this day it saddens me deeply to know being alone was his accepted norm and I often reflect how things could have been different if I only knew then, what I know now.
There is no question in my mind that the modern male is in a crisis. Teenage and adolescent suicides are an epidemic in every state. In fact, Haidt warns us that young males are much more successful at suicides than their female counterparts due to the methods of choice. The modern adult male, too, falls victim to these pressures as the “at-risk” figures rise with age and as we compare our retirement reality with others or the fantasies on social media.
We are in strange times with new stresses and pressures added daily. Status quo does not apply. We need to change the way we view our relationships with males; the man you see on the outside may be an artificial cloak presented to appease society.
I do not know if there is an answer for this riddle, but the first step for males is to build self-awareness to recognize your situation, and open your mind to connecting with others emotionally. Asking for help and sharing true feelings is not weakness; it is survival.
If you are a friend, spouse or a parent, the walls are up and the doors are locked, but you need to push gently and pry open a crack to let love and support pour into the lives of your men and help them open up.
It could make all the difference in the world to each of you.
Wow! Powerful words. I’ll keep a closer eye on Jack and Paul. Thanks for sharing.
Those are uneasy conversations for guys, but important. Good for you for trying. Good luck! 💜
Such wisdom, Tony! Thank you for sharing all that you are learning on your journey!
Spot on ! Read the “Anxious Generation” due to over all anxiety I’ve seen in students x last 2 yrs on the increase. Amplified by losing Alex, to bring me to better awareness.
Our North American society doesn’t allow men in our culture to show emotion,except anger,turned inward, becomes depression and further isolation. The key for reaching out comes from the rest of us,inspite of “locked doors”.
I’d rather offend someone risking their anger directed at me, to pull them out to fresh air and open conversation…being angry with me is nothing,at least they are still with us..men/women inclusive.
My motto is still…if you see something,say something…hold an open approach with each person. Be that cup of coffee…or a walk together…or being in their world,sometimes seeming obtrusive…but be there.
Still walking with you guys.
Amen, well stated Aunt Pam. Thanks for being there for the new generation.💜
🙏💜
Great post Tony!
Alexander’s story matters
I appreciate you Uncle Greg. 💜
This is especially essential to me as Jackson prepares to leave Lafayette and take a new job in Nevada. His goal has been to move to Nevada where he has a few but not enough friends. As much as I never want to be a meddlesome mother, I am going to make sure I call every day and remind how much he is loved and show care for his life.
Luv this. You’re fortunate that NV is not too far away for visits too! Sending love to you all. (Steve too).💜
Thank you for your insight Tony!
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I agree with Pam Johnson that your post is spot on, Tony. I dare say that in certain areas of California (the Bay Area in particular), this is even more so the case. Where there is such brilliance, there is also, sadly, the need to achieve at unsustainable levels emotionally. As someone who has had a fairly big career, I personally am most happy doing what I do now at our church, where we are able to create so many extraordinary things, yet without the pressures that bring us down. God bless you, Tony. You are extraordinary, and you have every right to feel and share every single emotion you have now, or will have. We love you!
So true about the Bay area, believe me, I lived those pressures.I am glad you found a connection with your church activities, that’s so helpful to help you feel grounded and connected. Thank you for your kind words and love, and the same back to you and your Dad.💜💜
Thank you, Tony! I completely agree that we, as a culture, need to embody vulnerability as strength. Sending love across the miles! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Carson, much love to you and your big guy. Hope y’all are thriving! 💜
With these new scary and uncertain times, these pressures must be even greater. Having 3 sons of my own, I try to keep the conversation going, quiet dialogue, teasing out any personal issues that I can get away with… I still don’t know how you carry on so bravely and intentionally. Love you guys…
With these new scary and uncertain times, these pressures must be even greater. Having 3 sons of my own, I try to keep the conversation going, quiet dialogue, teasing out any personal issues that I can get away with… I still don’t know how you carry on so bravely and intentionally. Love you guys…
I worry about that too Deb. I feel so badly for the youth of today. Good for you for staying connected with them. Good luck getting them to open up, it’s not trivial for sure. Love to you and all the boys. 💜💜💜💜
As always TLow, poignant insight. I am always reminded that this is/was a foreseeable symptom of American culture… in 1896 Thoreau wrote:
““The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work.”
We are a country and citizen longing for organization under something other than capitalism.
Peace brother.